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Pain again...it just keeps coming back!

It's just damn easier trying to let it all out through a mean where there's no need to show your face... where your weakness is not exposed... no one can see my anger, my tears, my despair nor my anxiety... how hard it is to let people in one's life? I do wonder why on earth as I grow up Ive become even more selective in friendship terms... I wonder if Im asking for too much, isnt it just normal to wish for friends who will support you, who will have your back... who would rather die than hurting you or letting you down... is this asking much?! Isnt this just the usual in friendship terms... Am i just weird... Is it that friendship has become to overrated then?!

Im angry, im sad... as I havent been in a long time... theres just too many going on... and I do wonder if I keep expecting much from people and it is that whats causing me so much pain... Ive come to realize Im really not much in others lives... not just others but people who I truly believe we're close friends... Ive come to realize Im just not of a great worth to them... Im basically someone they know...

Why do I even bother with people... why havent I understand this so far... I keep giving myself... my life my heart... they keep stepping on it... throwing it away... they keep pushing me aside as of none importane at all...

Being a depressive person is not of much help... suicidal thoughts are not of much help either... I just need a "self time" I need to cleanse my spirit and soul... this freakinf annoying depressive phases which keep coming back with time... I donno how to get rid of them... but this... this shall help... either is this or just stepping in the middle of a street or in the edge of a 20th floor building... I need to breathe again... Im skinking and I cant go up... im deeper in mud and Im about to give in... stop fighting and just let myself drown in mud... drown to death...